It’s currently 2:55 AM and listening to Final Fantasy VII,IX, and X soundtracks. Today…today has been a really rough day emotionally. I spent the majority of it either sleeping or crying. I would give anything to go back to July 5th. To the beginning of my travels to Seoul and Tokyo. I have been home from my trip to Asia for a little over 1 week now. Those 2 weeks of pure bliss and adventure were sadly ended and I’m back here. Back in this mundane town and mundane routine of the reality of my life. Well at least until I go back into uni, which I was all for since I’m leaving in less than 5 days. However, I had received an email regarding the tuition payment for my university. Of course I had to inform my mother about it. Then the stress came. They had changed the payment plan and it’s slightly higher than last year’s. So she calls the bursar’s office in order to sort out what’s going on and tries to see if there are any more scholarships I’m eligible for. They had informed her there are some outside scholarships that I can apply for so she comes into my room stressing me out on how hard it’s going to be to meet the payments and to fill out all the applications now. But with scholarship applications comes essays which for me, they are difficult to write quickly and be any decent. I don’t know why. The words in my head freeze and I can’t think of anything to write for the topics. So I shut down and my thoughts consumed me.
"Why couldn’t I be smarter so I could write the essays better or have won more academic scholarships." "Why am I such a failure, burdening my parents with these finances." "Why was I so selfish to pick this university even though my parents tried to change my mind." "Why do I shut down instead of showing production." "Why can’t I be better." Why after why came into my head but I didn’t know how to answer any of them. Rather, I didn’t want to answer them. So I shifted thoughts. "Maybe if I worked two jobs during school that would help a little." "Maybe I should just transfer to a cheaper university back home." "But if I did that, then I would be miserable and end back up where I was in high school - sad, suicidal, and hopeless." "Maybe I should just end it. It’ll stop all the burdens then."
I was so overwhelmed I went back to something I said I wouldn’t do again, though only for a brief time. I mentally slapped myself and tried to start filling out applications but I was getting so frustrated and upset. I winded up laying in bed and falling asleep. Woke up to start the whole process over. And so, I have been in this vicious cycle for the whole day. I’m just feeling like an all-around awful person.
I guess it's based one's perception but I think you are pretty amazing. :) and a lot of people think you are too ~~
Ahaha biased I would say you are! Pfft no I don’t think so~
IT'S YOU BECAUSE YOURE AMAZING AND YOU A KIEU-TIE.
Ahaha noo far from any of that but thank you